Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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