Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My breasts were aching with rage.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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