does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
