Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
