apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
