i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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