Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
