I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
