I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Randomize
