So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
