bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
