Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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