soooo we both peed the bed last night...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
