That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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