Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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