Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
