i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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