when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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