now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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