Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
So vagazzling was a success
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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