my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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