I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I party with great urgency now.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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