It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
