im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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