The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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