Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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