Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
