I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
