I love black thongs
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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