dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
