I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
