I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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