things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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