you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
