My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
