My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
