I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
