Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
