Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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