Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
