Taylor Swift is so right about you.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
