I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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