happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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