Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
