neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
