They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
