i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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