Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
