her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
