I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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