What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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