i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
