I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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